Unpredictable.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS :)
so um, i feel quite happy that its christmas today.
not only that i get to spend it with the family
but he also responded to what I had to say.

:)<3

So um, i love the way you make me smile, without even trying :)
can't wait, for university, you'll be seeing me everyday. :)
:) you make me smile 24/7, and i love every second of it.

:):):) it has literally been awhile since i've been this excited and anxious about something christmas and university :):). Well, i signed up last night with my dad because i was soo excited. Man oh man, i feel kinda excited and scared at the same time haha. but yeah.. excited,excited,excited :)i can't wait.

ANTICIPATING: Christmas and University :)

When you find someone that means so much to you,
it hurts to breathe, literally.
Do you honestly miss me deep within your heart?

Oh man, feeling so stressed this year. I can't even concentrate honestly, I'm so frustrated with everything.I'm trying my best and not giving up but i keep feeling like I'm screwing everything up. I'm not satisfied with my marks at school at all, pressure keeps on building and building. Right now, i just feel like i want to crumble and take a break. So much stress overcoming me that i'm not even focused anymore.
OH FML. I just want to break down and cry. I just wish that someone would catch me before I would hit the ground.. I need the motivation to not give up.

We are going different directions
I know it will be hard
we were best friends
and now we are ripped apart

I remember the good days we had
throughout these 2 long years
you were there when I was sad
even when I was in tears

But now its all changed
we cant be together anymore
no more notebooks to exchange
or laughter to adore

No more inside jokes to hear
or gossip in the hall
now we have reality to fear
and that’s the worst of them all

I will never forget that smile of yours
and how it made me glad
just remember you'll always be
the bestest friend I've ever had

When friends are forced to be apart from each other for whatever length of time, it will be a difficult period for the two of them. They will be forced to go through their normal routines apart from each other. Each one may miss the qualities that the other contributed to the friendship. There is a saying that, "absence makes the heart grow fond". This may be an opportunity for each of them to realize how important each one is to the other's life.. They will miss each other, and long for the time when they can be together again.

our friendship is one big inside joke that no one will understand but you and me..

The truth is, if you really want me in your life,
you will find a way of putting me there. No matter what it takes,
despite what others may say, you would do anything.
But I can see that there are many girls in your life, and yet you keep thinking of me momentarily. I don't get it. I still read what you have to say from time to time, but if you miss me like you say you do, you would do something about it.
I still think about it sometimes, and wonder if what I did a few weeks ago was the best thing for me. But you know, now I'm gonna have to face a consequence, that if i end up seeing you somewhere, how would i react? what would i do? Will I smile at you the same way I used to? I don't know.. you don't have to say any anything but when times like this comes, be ready to embrace me because I know that I will stumble. This is when i will need you the most.

Thank you , for letting go.
It's time to let go , move on , fresh start.
Fate decides who walks into your life.
You decide who you allow to stay,
Who you allow to walk away..
And who you refuse to let walk out..
Just know that I've never been a big fan of long goodbyes.
and this time, I hope that my goodbye will actually mean something to you...

It was the right time to do it. I HAD to do it because the memory of you is still in my mind. I know if your reading this, you might not understand but this is the only way I can get better and not believe in false hope anymore. I don't want to dream about it anymore, i don't want to anticipate anymore, I don't want to get hurt anymore, I don't want the feelings to come back anymore. The fact that you said you will always be there for me, I really doubt it most of the times. I know that you will question yourself and question me, but the only way i can see myself move forward is not take part in your life anymore. Your in university now and it takes so much from me to put trust into you. We don't talk anymore, so whats the point of taking part of my life? Its useless. I really hope you get to read this because this way you will step into my shoes to know that im doing this for the both of us, not just me. I'm sure you'll cope with people around you, I'm sure you'll be alright, I'm sure that one day you will know your limitations because I can't be there for you anymore. It's not that i choose not to, but you chose not to begin with. I can't pick you up when you fall nor can I open my heart to you again when you don't open your heart for me. I'm sure you'll do fine without me by your side.. you know, sometimes many things reminds me of you but then I take a good look at who you've become, who I've become, who you're surrounded with, and who I'm surrounded with.. and i start to realize to see the reason why we can't ever be together.

i'm sorry i can't provide you with what you want.
we both don't understand, and our timing isn't right.
i'm too complicated for you to see my point of view,
but you're too stubborn to consider it anyways.
i need you to understand me,
just as much as you want me to understand you.
but i don't understand why you can't accept what i want ,
and you don't understand why i can't accept what you want .
I guess, in some cases , the reason why girls never know what they want.is only because behind every untrusting girl is a reckless lying boy who made her that way.

It's not a matter of asking questions, it's a matter of finding answers.
It's not a matter of learning, it's a matter of understanding.
It's not a matter of time, it's a matter of moment.
It's not a matter of want, it's a matter of need.
It's not a matter of risk, it's a matter of fear.

I wish you the best of luck.

Just another ordinary that passes me by, nothing extraordinary. Man, it has been so long.. I can feel it. Been sick for like a week now and yet im still pushing myself to go to school. I'm over my self really, I'm definitely pushing myself too hard but what can i say? hard work pays off later on. It's getting crazier and crazier each day, and lately i've been thinking so deeply that it gets me so mesmerized. It's not the fact that i miss everything, i don't know... i'm not sure. I talked of you guys today and my eyes began to water, and i guess the only reason why i reacted in this way is because i still care so much when i shouldn't be because you guys don't give a fuck about me so whats the point. I wish i never met you guys, i wish that you guys never came into my friken life, i wish that we never became friends, i wish that i should never care about you both in the first place, honestly... what the heck is wrong with me? i don't know anymore. I'm happy that you guys aren't here anymore because i could ACTUALLY concentrate but now, you guys linger onto me still like a memory that never fades away. I'm frustrated.. all i need is reassurance. But the fact that you say that you will always be there for me? that is what im not too sure off, because if you were, you would give me that reassurance that everything will be alright.

What happened
after last summer
when we broke up
in September

I haven't seen you
Feels like a long time
Sometimes it still hurts
But I always get by

I still got a piece of you under my skin
Its always there no matter where Ive been

So if I ever see you on the street
Ill pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

Because if I look into your eyes
Then Ill have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I wont even start
I wont even start

I wish you luck
And I wish it true
That's the best
I can do for you

Cause you'll probably find love
In someone new
I have to let go
Yeah its hard to do

So if I run into you with your arm by his side
Just know it'll cut me like a knife

So if I ever see you on the street
Ill pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

Because if I look into your eyes
Then Ill have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I wont even start
I wont even start

- oh david choi, you make me remember so many memories that i had with him.

I feel like i'm sick,
I feel like im setting up such high standards for myself
I feel like im falling apart
I feel irritated
I feel like im not being collective
I feel like i cant pull myself together
I feel like there is no one there to motivate me
I feel frustrated
I feel unhappy
I feel So disappointed in myself sometimes
I feel like im pushing myself to hard
I feel like giving up.

I guess in the end, if i didn't have any expectations i wouldn't have to be so disappointed....

Dara is so cute :) man... it has been such a long time since i've talked to him but he always seems to make my day so bright when we reconnect with each other. He makes me feel as if i've known him my whole entire life and thats what i love about him. I would have to say that yesterday was the most amazing conversation ever. Whats crazy is that whenever we talk, whether it would be on the phone or on msn we know that we could always make each other smile up to the points that our cheeks would hurt. haha well, mine would. We would always have the best inside jokes ever whether it would be teasing each other or just saying smile to each other will always get to the both of us. haha I remember when my msn name said " Dara is so cute" for the longest time and everyone kept asking me if you were my boyfriend haha, man... good times good times and your friends asked you if i was your girlfriend because of our names LOL. why do you have to be so cute for? I love your smile, :) haha, i remember when your little sister would walk into your room asking you why you were smiling at the computer screeen AHAHAHa. i love her to death for coming at the right moment. :) LOLLLLLL! man.. your very sincere and a good guy you know that? haha i remember the first time you called my house, you knew i hated talking on the phone but yet you were encouraging me to be open up and not be afraid because your the type of guy that is very difficult to find. And i hope that one day when you begin to trust love and fate again, I hope that you would find this amazing girl that won't do you wrong, that you would be able to be there for her through thick and thin. For now, just keep your head up and ill always be there for you. :) Mcmaster Mcmaster... please accept me to your school just so dara can visit me everyday and then we can have our 4 minutes of awkward silences ahahaha :) kidding!
You make my day, no rephrase that.. You ALWAYS know how to make me smile through the hardest times of my life. and i thank you for that. i'm always here for you :)

your way too cute!

Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Mathematics
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Questions and Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Longevity
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Propensity to Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


- AHAHAHA man oh man, one of the truest things i know. :)

I keep asking the question
Will you turn around and come with me?
Or should I read the signs and leave and let you be?
Now I'm standing at this roadblock
And there's no way around it
I've been waiting for your mind to change
Because I feel so one sided

So give me a reason
Why you're on the outside
When you should be in
When we'll get together
So maybe it's better
I walk alone but you'll always be near

Now there's no room for settling
I gotta do this, I need to
But this mirror I'm looking in
There's no reflection without you

The sanctity I found deep in your arms
It was a false alarm and it hurts
I lie awake at night and think of what we could have been if it worked
Then we chose to go our separate ways instead of meeting each other halfway
And If I had to choose, I'd have you by my side

I saw us break
I watched us fall
It made no sense to me at all
You say that you will
But then you don't
So I'm gonna take this step alone
In my heart of hearts
I always knew
This jump was way too far for you...

All in all, you know he is the one for you when you can't stop thinking about him constantly. I guess, the greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and still love you with everything they have.
And i think i already have, but the only thing that is stopping me is that bridge. The bridge of moving on and knowing that he won't take a second chance to look back at me.

With you, I could see every captive moment.
With each and every moment cherished and engraved deep within my heart.
Fear & doubt that this may not be authentic, but simply inauthentic.
But this time I can see this may be real. Truly real.
I questioned this surreal feeling deep within my soul.
For once how could something feel just so.. right?
But rather then question, I should just open my heart.
Let this overwhelming feeling just go with its natural flow.
Cause nothing ever felt so right.

It's amazing the things you realize when your distant with someone, you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could have a million times, you take for granted the days spent doing nothing when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken, at any time in our lives, but we always wait until they're gone to say the things we never had the courage to before....

Maybe, just maybe, this jump was just too far for you.

Maybe I'm unpredictable.
Maybe I'm difficult to read through.
Maybe I still think about it.
Maybe I smile pretending that I'm always okay.
Maybe when your not around, I don't have the same old anxieties.
Maybe it's when your around, feelings rush back to me.
Maybe it's because i miss you.
Maybe it's because you hurt me that i love you even more.
Maybe my heart hasn't let you go completely.
Maybe I am just a afraid to take another chance.
Maybe I'm just scared to grow up.
Maybe I'm scared of growing apart.
Maybe I'm scared to fall for you so hard again.
Maybe I'm scared of being lied to.
Maybe I'm scared to trust anyone.
Maybe I'm scared to believe.
Maybe I'm scared to love.
Maybe I'm scared to get hurt.
Maybe I'm scared at the fact that everything we do now, effects who we are in the future.
Now the question is, will i ever stop loving you?
To be honest I'm really scared to know the answer....

Man, i'm feeling so stressed out for the past 2 and a half weeks. Haven't been on the computer period but damn, i feel like i am going to die soon. I honestly have no life whatsoever =/ Always so worried about so many things that my planner does not even have enough room. I think i feel sick to my stomach knowing that i'm always so worried now and my massive headaches that i've been getting alot last year? well clearly, they are becoming worse this year. It's been getting quite difficult to hold myself together and not stressing out, I've been swearing so much up to the point who knows... and my close friends know that i NEVER swear. omgosh... It's getting difficult catching my breathe to catch the glimpses of the things that are real to me. I guess i can only perceive and wait for now... The only thing i need now is the reassurance that i can do anything, that i can strive forward, and that i won't give up no matter how hard everything is.. i just need this encouragement that i can do it. because as of right now, i'm feeling as if im slowly giving up.

It has been a week since school started and I'm starting to get stressed. For the past week, I still have this anxiety in me like you were still here. I can't explain it exactly but maybe I'm so anxious to know how you've been doing. I guess the only reason why i still have this anxiety is because the thought of you still lingers in my mind, like you never left. I race to french class everyday forgetting that your class is no longer next to mine, going to my locker forgetting that you're not standing right behind me waiting, or when school is over you aren't there to give me that hug of reassurance that anything is possible. To tell you the truth, I miss those things a lot but I truly miss seeing that smile of yours everyday. But what can I do? these are just the feelings that haven't left me but only reoccur to me. Ever notice that the people who hurt you the most are the ones you tend to love more? I guess this question is right. I do love you more. And the reason why i love you more when you least deserve it is because I still want you to have that reassurance that everything is going to be okay. That when you fight the world on your own, you can get up and fight life again and not give up. Now that your far far away, growing of independence, I feel so happy for you. I'll always be your motivation.